England 16-9 Argentina

A terrible, terrible game won by two penalties and a drop goal from Jonny Wilkinson and a Matt Banahan try, but the All Blacks wait for England and will be licking their lips after watching this display.

Christ almighty that was bad -  slow, ponderous, no flair, no angles, very little aggression and pointless kicking were the main highlights of this dour encounter.

England have been training together for three weeks yet gave a strong indications that they had been introduced to each other in the pub before the game.

Ugo Monye, the Harlequins wing who was such a star of the Lions tour, looked like he had no idea what to do playing at full back.

It’s a classic English selection policy, pick form players and play them out of position, they’ve done it for years.

Monye is (or was, he’s probably lost every shred of confidence now) the form wing probably in Europe, but England want the giant, overly tattooed, massively cumbersome Banahan to play so they’ve stuck poor old Monye at full back where he looks about as comfortable as a nun in a porn theatre.

It’s actually quite hard to do a report of this game as bog all happened.

Wilkinson kicked a drop goal, then Argentina kicked a penalty, then Cueto wasn’t quick enough to score a try when he got hold of a loose ball, then Argentina kicked a penalty after someone dropped it and someone picked it up in an offside position.

It was 9-9 at half time, a thriller, with Monye looking very much like he wanted to go home.

England did manage to up the tempo at the start of the second half but for 20 minutes it looked like the main aim between the two teams was to see who could be more crap and make more mistakes.

Finally, in the 69th minute just about the only backs move of the game saw Bahanan lumber over to go under the posts.

Despite England’s attempts to cock it up at the end by bringing on Andy Goode, they just held on.

New Zealand await and could probably put out their under-18 side and beat this England team.

Tactically, England do some really odd things, time and time again Wilkinson gets the ball and boots it straight down the middle of the pitch.

This is the famous-for-kicking Jonny Wilkinson, surely he can get it off the pitch.

It’s clear this is a tactic, although for the life of me I can’t work out what the aim is.

Slow, slow ball, surely they can get it out quicker than they are, someone’s telling them to try to slow it down, New Zealand will crucify them if they try this.

Back play seems to be to pass it all the way to one wing, then back to the other, if no-one drops it, which they do.

Where’s the flair? Wilkinson is supposed to be brilliant for Toulon, Geraghty looks class running things for Northampton, yet England have as much flair as a Christmas pudding.

There have been a lot of injuries and players like Simon Shaw would have made a difference here, but it’s a real chance for some players here but they were just scared to death of taking it.

The pressure is very much on team manager Martin Johnson, but he needs to be strong.

There is clearly problems with the tactics and the coaching of these players and surely a stuffing by New Zealand would mean changes HAVE to be made.

England creaked in the scrum, they were turned over, they lost lineout ball, they took about half an hour to get the ball out of the ruck, they passed it from one wing to the other without even looking like making a break.

It was clearly obvious they were absolutely terrified of losing and tried to play a game where they took absolutely no risks.

The press will be right on their backs and rightly so, this isn’t acceptable.

They’re not as good as in 2003, the players aren’t there, but they should be better than they are and it’s down to the management to sort this out.

If they don’t, then they need to be sacked and that includes the mighty Johnson.

Player ratings:

15. Ugo Monye – Looked utterly lost, don’t blame him, blame the management. If I was him and they told me to play full back in the next game I’d go on strike. 3/10

14. Mark Cueto – tidy, solid, unspectacular, reliable, but you’d hope someone more dynamic comes along. 6/10

13. Dan Hipkiss – good club player who is struggling to step up to international level, like most of England’s backs got the ball above his head or standing still. 6/10

12. Shane Geraghty – the Midfield magician, the man tasked with getting England’s backs going has spectacularly failed so far, faces the massive powerful Ma’a Nonu next week and I fully expect him to be trampled. 5/10

11. Matt Banahan - looks cumbersome unless coming in off a long run up, which you would expect for a 6ft 7in winger, easy finish for try but needs to add some sublety to his game, another who could find it tough vs the All Blacks. 6/10

10. Jonny Wilkinson -  missed a lot of kicks at goal which was unusual, tackled like a trooper, kicking from hand was rubbish, passing ok. 6/10

9. Paul Hodgson – brought in for his “tempoing” skills (awful, awful word), but only on occassion could speed up the game, can’t pass very well either, not bad though. 6/10

8. James Haskell – another one out of position, some good charges and turnovers, but needs to learn how to be a number 8, also gave away a really stupid penalty. 8.10

7. Lewis Moody -  lacks creativity but not effort, a fearless headcase around the pitch was again outstanding. 9/10

6. Tom Croft – a star of the Lions looks lost playing for England  – 3/10

5. Steve Borthwick (c) -  offers nothing in terms of ball-carrying, useful in the lineout but not an international standard lock, let alone a captain. 3/10

4. Louis Deacon – a joke of a selection, what does he offer? Not a lineout forward, not a ball carrier, offers no skill, no tackling and is invisible around the field. There are so many better locks in England. 2/10

3. Duncan Bell – Fatty was invisible around the field and pushed around in the scrums by the meaty Argentinian forwards, who all look terrifying.

2. Dylan Hartley -  needs to put the effort into playing he puts into snarling at everyone and mouthing off, but had a decent game. 7/10

1. Tim Payne – it took me a while to remember who was playing. If others were fit he wouldn’t be anywhere near the team. Average at everything, in for a long afternoon next week.

Replacements:

Steve Thompson (hooker) how is bringing him on going to change the game?

Joe Worsley (flanker) how is bringing him on going to change the game?

Andy Goode (fly half) you’ve got to be kidding me, the biggest indication of how clueless the coaches are is that this long-haired clown is seen as England’s second best fly-half. Did his best to lose the game in the very short period he was on but just failed. Danny Cipriani must consider another career when he watches this joker. 1/10 (and that’s generous).

Danny Care (scrum half) – only on for a bit but I saw him wait for hours before passing it from a ruck and put a kick straight into touch. 1/10

All in all – garbage, the All Blacks will destroy next week.