After hearing the “new” version of “Three Lions” Baddiel, Skinner and that fellow from the Lightning Seeds have shamelessly released for the third time for the upcoming World Cup in South Africa, I thought I’d put some thoughts down on what will happen in the upcoming tournament.
This being themultifarious, it won’t be a dissection of each teams’ tactics, key men, managers etc.
Because that’s something that should be reserved largely for the pub.
Things that will happen:
One star player will be injured in training before the tournament prompting the “World cup Heartbreak” headline.
Mark Lawrenson will make some terrible jokes and say “nerr” instead of “no”.
ITV’s coverage will be much worse than the BBC’s.
ITV will use Gazza and Gary Neville as pundits, much to everyone’s embarassment/annoyance.
The phrase “A carnival atmosphere” will be used whenever Brazil are playing.
The Germans will be organised and difficult to beat, eventually doing for England in a most unfair way.
There will be a man supporting one of the African countries painted from head to toe in the country’s colours.
France will do well despite all their players hating each other
Alan Hansen will revel in bad defending.
The viewer will wonder why Alan Shearer refuses to shave off his tuft of hair at the front.
A Mexican wave will prompt a commentator to say “Well, the crowd are enjoying themselves” without realising Mexican waves are only ever done when the football is terrible.
Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba will constantly fall over, pretend to be injured and whinge, despite being an athletic freak.
Steve Bruce will spend £12 million after the tournament on Ghana’s top scorer, who no-one will ever have heard of.
As an aside, I am interested in seeing what happens when England fans start getting rowdy and doing what they do best, chucking patio chairs around.
In the last World Cup in Germany, the locals looked a bit nervous (probably remembered the war).
This time round, if the England yobs try it in Johannesburg, the likely outcome is being shot, which is a bit different to a bit of good old-fashioned windmilling.
