Music videos should always be good, the technology and the cash was always there to create something special, and often to cover up terrible songs.
But yet, so many people fail on this front.

Westlife, for example, only make black and white videos of them standing signing together.

And a lot fall into the trap of trying to be too clever with videos, making them confusing and pointless.

I’ve conducted a thorough search, I’ve DEFINITELY watched every single music video ever made from start to finish to come up with the ultimate top ten.

　

There’s quite a range of music and video styles here, I’ve gone for sheer rubbish, stupid concepts and epic videos with very silly plots.

　

　

　

　

10.

Peter Andre

 

My old school chums will remember when Pete came to perform in the school hall, prompting a near riot by over-excited teenage girls.

With hair like worms, a massive schnoz and that famous six-pack, the super-greasy Aussie was pin up material back in the 1990s.

He also came up with rubbish like this, what a shocking haircut, strutting along the beach in the Caribbean blissfully unaware of how cheesy he looks.

Why’s he in the sea wearing jeans?

　

 

　

　

　

9.

The Bee Gees

 

Just for the hair, the clothes, the fact they seem to be wandering around in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and the fact they keep using the same shot of them popping out from behind the blown-out windows of a house.

Great song, not such a great vid.

 

　

　

　

8.

 

Lionel Ritchie

 

This is one of those “story” videos, but the concept is so ridiculous it had to feature.

Lionel is a lecturer at a college who falls in love with one of students (that’s him sacked).
It turns out she’s blind.

So the line “is it me you’re looking for?” takes a new meaning, clearly it’s not himshe’s looking for because because she’s blind.

The two highlights are him singing down the phone and the ridiculous bit at the end where she’s perfectly sculpted his mighty afro in clay, despite being blind and not knowing what he looks like.

Lionel is one of the most successful ever, I hope he looks back on this and feels just a tad embarrassed.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

7.

　

The Weather Girls

 

It’s a dance floor classic, but certainly not a video classic.

Done on a budget of about 37p, it shows men and women flying around with umbrellas.

It’s stupid and looks terrible.

The mighty Weather Girls didn’t make any other records.

　

　

6.

Guns N Roses

 

This is a classic epic rock video, nine minutes of self-indulgent nonsense.

It’s a shame because it’s a brilliant song, but it’s a hugely expensive, ultimately rubbish video.

So we’re at a concert, then we’re in a bar, then we’re at a wedding, then the wedding stops so the guitarist can go outside the church in a desert to do a solo (ignoring the fact there‘s nowhere to plug his guitar in), then we’re back at the concert, everyone’s changed their clothes, then we’re back at the wedding and everyone’s dancing, oh, we’re back at the concert, oh, no wait, we’re at the wedding, and now it’s raining and someone’s spilt a bottle of red wine, then we’re back at a funeral, who’s died? God only knows.

Then Axl wakes up and, lo and behold, it’s all a dream.

　

　

5.

Michael Jackson and Sir Paul McCartney

Say Say Say

　

These two made a terrible record called “The Girl is Mine”, and while this is a better song, this barmy wild west video is very irritating.

Watch it and notice just how much more talented Jacko is in every way compared to the miserly scouser.

　

　

　

　

　

　

4.

　

Meatloaf

 

So, the contradictory title of the song clearly states you won’t do anything for love, will you loaf?

Meatloaf is notorious for writing ridiculous songs (Life is a Lemon and I want my money back, anyone?) but this near eight minute saga is ridiculous on a whole new level.

He plays the beast out of beauty and the beast, looking on as he lusts after a gorgeous girl, who of course lives in a castle in the middle of nowhere and has baths wearing clothes.

Then the cops turn up for no real reason, she sings a bit and he becomes a normal person and gets the girl. Hurrah.

　

 

　

　

3.

Backstreet Boys

I’ll Never Break Your Heart.

　

This is summed up simply by Christmas jumpers, ski-wear, curtains.

Why everyone laughs at boy bands.

They all look like school boys.

　

2.

New Order

True Faith

　

There’s a prize for anyone who can explain to me what on earth is happening in this bizarre, nonsensical video by the same band who made the brilliant World in Motion 1990 World Cup song.

It was choreographed by Frenchman Philippe Decouflé, who convinced the band having people leaping backwards in ludicrous outfits was a good way to represent the song.

It wasn’t, it made everyone think “what the hell is this?”

Utterly pretentious, meaningless and downright stupid.

Of course, I could be being thick and missed the point of the greatest piece video-making in the history of music.

How people in weird puffy outfits represent a song which seems to be about a bloke who’s a bit down about his relationship ending is beyond me.

　

　

1.

David Hasslehoff

Hooked on a Feeling

　

Thanks to the internet, and the weird trend of people deciding things that were rubbish in their youth are suddenly now cool, The Hoff is has made a most unwelcome return to the public eye.

The former Knightrider and Baywatch star has sold stacks of records in Germany, which tells you all you need to know.

What I don’t understand is that The Hoff is clearly fabulously rich, so why does this terrible video for an even worse song look so terrible?

It’s just unbelievably awful. I can’t get to the end of it.