It’s Christmas party season and for most people that means one thing – boozing.

At least for most people.

Not me though.

Due to twice collapsing and going to hospital the day after heavy nights, I reluctantly made the decision a few years ago to cut down boozing to an almost non-existant level.

The idea of having the charming medical procedure known as a lumbar puncture (an epilepsy test, think needles, spines and pain), again was not appealling to me so I reluctantly decided to cut down on booze to almost minimal levels.

As a forced tee-totaller I’m certainly not a self-righteous, sanctimonious, “I don’t need to drink to have fun” type ( although I like to pretend I am to annoy people, christening myself “straight edge”).

I also like to tell people I’m a recovering alcoholic, which also isn’t true, as telling people you gave up for medical reasons is a bit lame.

The rule was no more than three pints of beer, no shots (which I hated anyway, sambuca should be used as as torture method), and I’ve never got into wine so that was no big deal.

Anyway, I’ve since pretty much quit after discovering three pints has minimal impact on the way you feel apart from a headache in the morning.

This isn’t meant to be a self-pitying ramble, these things happen, I could be on super-strength epilepsy medication or taking my own blood samples, or have had my leg blown off by a roadside bomb.

In the great scheme of things it’s pretty minor, although it does sadden me sometimes.

But In my tee-total time I’ve indentified some interesting things about the way people behave when they’re drunk.

I don’t mean starting fights or uncontrollable bouts of the horn, but little things.

First, people repeat themselves LOADS when they are drunk and become unable to understand a word you say back.

Then if you look around you notice not many people can dance, but everyone thinks they can, it’s an undeniable fact girls dance better than me, or at least look better while dancing.

Then you realise people bump in to you the entire time.

You suddenly become the one who has to do everything, getting people out the bar, getting people into the taxi, persuading your mate not to tell the bouncer he’s a twat, persuading the bouncer not to strangle said mate, persuading the coppers you’re not drunk, you saw everything and it wasn’t your mate who belted someone for no reason, trying to stop your friends abusing the taxi driver, telling your friends where they live and usually paying because you’re the only one able to do the maths or who hasn’t run off.

I’ve decided the simple task of going to the loo is one of the worst things about not drinking.

A routine task suddenly becomes a dangerous running of the gauntlet, where you risk meaningless rambles, urine soaked toilet-floor brawls and piss-soaked shoes.

My advice is head for the nearest cubicle but of course, if people see you you’re the subject of hilarious ‘banter’ about penis size and going for a poo (people tend to lose their sense of humour when drunk, but think they gain one by going “waaaaaay”)

But it’s better than being sprayed with another man’s piss.

But the biggest battle you have is with yourself.

It’s to convince yourself you are indeed able to do things like dancing.

The crucial thing is to realise that everyone else is drunk, and concentrating on their own bad dancing/incoherant ramblings/chasing anything with a pulse/fighting/being sick.

Once you twig this you instantly relax and I’ve had some really good nights since giving up boozing.

But, I’ve also had some terrible ones and that will carry on.

If this had happened aged 18, I’d have been devastated, but I’ve been there done that on boozing, I’ve done boozing holidays, I’ve done big city nights out and while I miss it, I don’t miss feeling like shit for a whole day afterwards.

Giving up booze is more disappointing than devastating, but if you are a shy type who finds it difficult to relax I recommend going out on a night out stone cold sober.

Seriously, try it. Look around, see how out of it every other person is, then you’ll chill out and realise provided you remain fully clothed, no-one will take a blind bit of notice of your dancing or your conversation.

In fact, you can be safe in the knowledge both are better than anyone else’s in there – in your new, strong mind plus you’re not going to be sick and can move out of the way if someone decides you’re the one they want to fight with.

Each of the recent protests into the Government’s now-succesful plan to increase tuition fees has descended into violence.

This suggests either the students don’t really know what they’re doing or have been hijacked by a bunch of chavs who are simply up for a ruck.

Anyway, the whole situation has got me thinking about the whole concept of university.

On the one hand, it’s clearly a great experience, which gives people the chance to mess about for three years and learn about something they’re genuinely interested in and may want to do for the rest of their lives.

One the other it can be a self-esteem destroying, debt mounting disaster that takes several years to recover from.

There is no doubt in my mind that a hard-working, bright kid from a working-class background should not be priced out of further education.

However, perhaps more should be done to try to persuade those who might not be so suited to further study that university is the be-all and end-all and that your life will be worthless if you don’t go.

When elected in 1997, Tony Blair came out with his now famous line where he said 50 per cent of children should be able to go to university.

Why? Did he know at the time that half the total population of young people in the country were bright enough and motivated enough to get through further education.

Of course he didn’t, in fact this was just vaccuous headline-grabbing rhetoric.

In fact, it turned out to be more dangerous than that.

It sent students and headteachers into a giant flap, suddenly everyone who got through their GCSEs intact was now forced to thumb through the UCAS book to see which converted polytechnic college would take them with their one E grade in cookery,

It was nonsense really, careers interviews were always along the lines of “where do you want to go and what do you want to study?” rather than “you’re lazy, unacademic and uninterested, please do something more sensible than wasting the next three years getting drunk and skint before coming out with nothing.”

I made the decision not to go, and while I regret not having experienced the social side of university life, I feel I can get by without a third rate degree from the University of Rochdale, which is what my A-level grades would have allowed.

In my parents’ day, the university system was elitist, only the very clever and the very rich were able to go to the handful of fine further education establishments that existed.

Now, we have everyone who gets one pass at A-level demanding three years of further study.

I don’t like the fact they are increasing the fees, it smacks strongly of typical Tory elitism, and feel slightly sick that I voted for the spineless Liberal Democrat lackies who have performed a shameful U-turn on their election promises.

I also understand Labour was planning to do the same thing if they stayed in power, so they’re all as bad as each other in this case.

My point is, to say 50 per cent of pupils should go to university is about as sensible as saying 50 per cent of pupils should be able to fly.

Perhaps those in charge should look at the fact that people are pressurised into university life when it simply isn’t for them.

A lot of bright people aren’t suited to study, but yet because of Blair’s promise years ago, the pressure’s on.

My advice would be, do what you want, rather than what others feel you should.