The first question is one of public interest, is it right for newspapers to publish sordid details of a celeb having an affair?

Newspapers will say yes, they live their lives in public and shouldn’t be able to shut out something that people will be interested in.

The celebs, and seemingly the courts, think they should be able to do what they like in their private lives and not be hounded by the vultures of the press.

If we didn’t live in a shallow-celeb obsessed world then it probably wouldn’t matter, but we do and everyone (including me to a point) wants to know whether their favourite singer/actress/footballer is indulging in a bit of extra curricular activity behind their doting partner’s back.

The injunctions are super-secret, the papers often aren’t even allowed to publish they have been taken out.

The problem is in this day and age, social networks like Twitter are rife with gossip.

Just this week, an account was set up naming the celebs with injunctions.

How long it lasts is another story, but it’s out there.

Likewise, all the national papers know who they are, and they tell their friends, who put thinly disguised hints on Twitter.

Can you police Twitter?

I would assume it’s a civil matter, perhaps a hotshot lawyer could spend their days searching for people spilling the beans on Twitter, but it’s hardly a cast iron way of doing things.

The good thing is, MPs don’t like these superinjunctions any more than the public do and moves are in place to review whether they should be allowed at all.

The fact is, celebs know the way the national papers are and some, like Jordan/Katie Price, are fine operators who maximise the celebrity obsession to its full potential.

The short answer is, if you’re in the public eye, try to keep it in your trousers, as with technology the way it is, you’ll do bloody well to hide your dirty little secrets.

EDIT: As if to prove my point, this post got 174 views in about four hours when I put it up yesterday. I’ve got no doubt most of them would’ve been from people searching for the identities of the celebs involved.

Sadly, themultifarious.com does not have access to the finest lawyers in the land, so cannot reveal who they are.

It can also be dreadful, horrific and drive you up the wall.

This, unfortunately, is the latter.

We all know the songs, the ones which make you think “What in God’s name was that?” before it stays in your head driving you bonkers for the rest of the day.

These are my selections, if you don’t agree please comment below with your own suggestions.

10. Barbie Girl – Aqua

This was Number One in the charts for far too long at some points in the late 1990s.

This was a godawful piece of Europop from a group called Aqua, who were surprisingly successful and even down the line made a “serious” record.

Serious this aint, documenting what it’s like to be a doll in a serious relationship.

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9.mmmbop - Hanson

Yeah,  we all remember this.

Three brothers who looked like girls with high voices put out this ridiculously annoying song called “mmmbop”.

“What’s an mmmbop?” I hear you ask.

I don’t know, but it’s something clearly very annoying.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who walked in the room while this vid was playing, saw the lead singer and went “Cor, she’s fit” before realising he had made a fatal, never-to-be-forgotten error.

8. Agadoo-Black Lace

This piece of 1984 garbage by Black Lace never made it to Number One, which is merciful, but is still always played at hotels full  of Scottish holidaymakers armed with hilarious fake plastic bottoms in Torremelinos.

“Push pineapple shake the tree” – inspired.

Q Magazine, where people know way more than me about these things, declared it the worst song ever made.

EDIT: It appears WordPress hates it too, as it won’t let me up load the video. It’s here.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=agadoo&aq=f

7. Beautiful South

If there was an award for most annoying band, this lot would cruise to it.

I’ve always loathed their bland, pointless music.

Then, as I got older I heard their meaningless, stupid lyrics, and they became an instant “station changer” in the car.

There’s a wide range of their rubbish available on youtube this is one chosen at random, they’re all equally terrible.

6. Saturday Night-Whigfield

A Danish singer called Whigfield made this hateful bit of Eurodancepop nonsense when I was a kid at school.

Like most terrible songs it came with an accompanying dance which all the girls did at school discos while the boys sat and tried to be cool.

5. King of Rock and Roll- Prefab Sprout

This is regarded as an 80s classic, but I loathe it.

It’s the stupid  chorus “hot dog, jumping frog, Al-ber-querque that particularly gets me.

What does it mean?

Bog all that’s what

It’s irritating from start to finish and a real sticker in your head.

4. Blue – Eiffel 65

Those Europeans have a lot to answer for.

First Aqua, then Whigfield, then this.

Blue, the tale of a little blue man living in a little blue world is a mind-meltingly repetitive piece of non-music.

Rubbish.

3.  Rockstar-Nickelback

To a man, people who know about music all hate Nickelback.

They sold huge amounts of records in America, which suggests their brand of super-commercial rock music is rubbish.

Then, they annoyed music snobs even more by producing this cheesy attempt at irony saying people want live a rock star life rather than do it for the music like man.

The irony being that this is a super-annoying attempt at producing a catchy bestseller.

Yah, this is like way too commercial man.

2. birdie Song

Don’t really need to say much about this, still heard a lot in wedding discos.

There’s no proper vid, but lots of annoying things available instead.

1.Achy Breaky Heart

Miley Cyrus senior had a tremendous mullet, and did something no-one should ever do and brought country and western to the mainstream British public.

It did well in the charts and again sold loads in America, where they like that sort of thing, like they like guns, big portions and preachers.

The phrase “earns more than the Prime Minister” appears in pretty much every story.

Yes, they get paid a lot, but running a council is bloody hard.

Very few chief executives of companies (who often earn a lot more) face the prospect of going to prison but  if a child dies in care, a council chief exec can face charges of corporate manslaughter.

So, if the salaries are reduced, the good people go elsewhere thus leading to a drop in quality of council services and probably more children dying in care.

It’s not a massively glamourous job either, you inevitably get what you want to do stopped because the councillors don’t feel it’s politically right, you get moaned at constantly by the public, you get ever changing government rules you have to follow and spend money on changing things you’ve already spent money on, you get told to build houses, spend a lot of money on identifying where to build houses and then people start protesting against it, you get told to look after children and then get less money to do it every year, you spend money on the roads, then it snows and they get full of potholes, so people moan.

I’m not saying all councils are brilliant, some waste huge amounts on bonkers projects, but the idea that people in charge of a hugely complex system involving hundreds of people doing hundreds of things, are overpaid is ridiculous.

These chief execs are an easy target to the rabid right wing tabloids, but if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

Then of course when no-one’s bins get collected, the schools start failing and children start dying, they might get some proper stories.

This annoyed me.

I’m not a smoker, I never have been, and I was delighted when it was banned in pubs and bars as it made my clothes stink.

Now they smell of puke, sweat and farts, which is not great, but less likely to give you cancer.

Out of sight out of mind is the idea, but really who goes into a Tesco express to get some milk, looks behind the counter and thinks “ooh, they look nice - I think I’ll take up smoking”?

No-one.

The Government says smokers take up valuable resources in the NHS which could be directed elsewhere.

Right, so you need to take the same attitude to booze then, which is a huge drain.

Also, across the country literally thousands of people go to hospital every day after being injured playing sport. Better ban sport.

Likewise, people go to hospital after car crashes, better ban driving, and also crossing the road in case you get run over.

Oh yeah, don’t forget everyone’s too fat, better ban crisps.

The dangers of smoking are splashed everywhere and huge amounts of money have been spent on campaigns warning of the dangers.

Surely, everyone knows.

No-one I’ve ever met who smokes has said: “What do you mean it’s bad for you?” before stubbing out their fag and vowing never to smoke again.

So, if people really want to start something that could well kill them. They will.

Apart from fairly ridiculous spending, the Labour Government’s biggest failing in my eyes was telling us all exactly what we can and can’t do, and they were criticised by their opposition for doing this.

Now, lo and behold, the new Government is doing the same thing. Well I never.

Dave, stick to your cuts, making sure there’s no nasty things like libraries and leisure centre where people who vote for Labour can get books and go swimming.

Don’t forget to ensure your wealthy benefactors can benefit from various tax loopholes, and trust people to make their own decisions.

Of course, with nothing else to do, smoking may well become a popular hobby, and then there may be a problem.

H mt, fncy gng fr pnt?  cr  shs ft.  mrnng hw r y tdy

(Hi mate, fancy going for a pint? Cor, she’s fit. Morning, how are you today?)

It wouldn’t work, so why do seemingly intelligent  people feel the need to send messages in this way?

Listen, I know I’m a bit of a pedant.

I correct people when they say less when they mean fewer, and I get angry about apostrophes and people writing ‘your shit’ when they mean “you’re shit”  unless they have  a  perverse interest in my body functions (in fact, I’d get angry at that too).

But I get really annoyed if I get a text or  an email written in a way it takes me six attempts to  read before I get what it’s on about.

I can understand why kids do it, because the other kids they send it to can understand (plus none of them can spell)

But why do adults do it?

I ask them, they say “it’s quicker”, I say “it’s quicker for you to type,  but it takes me six times to  read  it”

Plus, how busy is your  life if you can’t spend an additional seven seconds typing a message properly? Answer: it’s not.

Just  type as if you were writing to your gran, properly and in full and marvel at the fact you can still spell.

It got me thinking about how funny school is and how much fun you have.

HOWEVER, the first day of senior school is undoubtedly one of the most terrifying days of your life..

It all began in 1993, we were tiny people, sent in to a world of bigger, older, kids, whose sole aim seemed to destroy.

If you’ve ever seen those documentaries about those baby turtles scrambling desperately for the safety of the sea after hatching, being in the first year of school is a bit like that.

There’s a big nasty predator just waiting to pick you off on every corner.

First, you have to change class for lessons, which is a total mind-melter.

Second, there’s different lessons on different days, so you have to take different things on different days, which means you need a big bag.

In fact, your parents buy you a massive bag, probably weighing more than you, and that is ideal  for getting stuck in doors and being tipped over.

You have a timetable, it takes six weeks to learn.

That means you need  two PE kits, football boots, trainers, all your books, pens etc on you the entire time.

It’s ridiculous, lugging a bag weighing the same as the moon around with you, mainly because the book you need was inevitably at the bottom meaning a massive unpack in every single lesson.

And there is the bastard called homework.

I remember on the first day, the  school had a nice idea of stationing older kids around the sc hool so we  could ask where the rooms were.

Nice idea, but clearly it was set for disaster as they sent us on a merry dance around the school.

I remember one girl arriving almost in tears as a lesson was ending having been sent to the other end of the school TWICE.

 As a first year, you are despised, the lowest of the low, a pesky turd that won’t go away.

You get hit, you get pushed, you get mocked, you have hair disasters.

And teachers like to stamp their mark.

I remember standing in the playground in my pants (white y fronts, cool) when the terrifying PE teacher had enough of our yapping and sent us out.

Then there are the fights.

At junior school fights involved a bit of wrestling.

At senior school, it was pretty much two full grown men breaking each other’s noses, which was utterly terrifying.

And then there’s girls.

That’s right, the ones you used to cringe at having to do country dancing with suddenly become much more appealing.

It doesn’t matter though, because at that age you’re either spotty and gross or still resemble an eight-year-old, and by the time you get slightly less revolting they’re going out with a bloke who’s got a car and a tattoo.

(Even at that age, we knew those blokes were seedy and weird, sadly, the girls didn’t).

So, it’s tough being a baby turtle, but the survivors went on to grow big and strong, at least we thought we did.

More coming on this soon folks.

Here we go again, moments that drive us all absolutely barmy, we see it, everyone in the stadium sees it, the world sees it but the idiot in the black uniform who matters the most misses it.

This is the top ten cheats

10.  Rivaldo dive

This pathetic incident happened in the World Cup in 2002 in the game between Turkey and Brazil.

The Turkish player boots the ball to Rivaldo, who is waiting to take a corner.

It strikes Rivaldo gently in the leg, yet he goes down clutching his face as if he’s been on the end of a particularly good right hook.

Stupid ref then sends off Turkish player, much to the annoyance of the rest of the team, the management and the watching world.

Rivaldo was subsequently banned, on the grounds of being a twat you’d guess.

9. Neil Back

England rugby legend Back is playing for Leicester Tigers in the European Cup final.

His team were leading, but opponents Munster got a scrum not very far out, dead centre in the last minute.

Irish scrum half goes to put the ball in, as he does, the originally nicknamed “Backy” taps it with his hand back into his own side of the scrum.

For those of you not au fait with rugby, this is akin to punching the ball into the goal in football, a no no.

The ref, however, is standing on the other side, keeping an eye on one of the props, and so misses it.

8. Trevor Chappell

The least well-known of the famous Australian cricketing dynasty is probably the most notorious.

This is a clip from a one-day game against New Zealand in the 1970s.

After you’ve finished laughing at their kits, you’ll need to know New Zealand needed six of the last ball to win.

As a result, Chappell rolls it gently underarm along the ground, thus making it impossible.

The rules were changed after this.

I particularly like the way the batsman reacts.

Despite being a pro sportsman, he reacts in the way anyone else would, by giving him a look which says “you utter c**t’.

7. Tonya Harding

Nancy Kerrigan (Above)           

Tonya Harding

Ice skating is not well-known for scandal, but this is pretty unbelievable.

American Harding was embroiled in scandal after her husband hired a man to attack and injure herbiggest rival, Nancy Kerrigan.

The injury put Kerrigan out of the US figure skating championships in 1994, which Harding went on to win.

She was found guilty of helping to cover up the incident, but has always denied masterminding it.

It’s still a blatant act of cheating though, whoever is responsible, and there’s no doubt she benefited.

6.

Thierry Henry

Old Thierry is a fabulous player, but may well be remembered for a piece of handling Jonny Wilkinson would be proud of.

Running down the wing, the ball bounces up and he scoops it along with his hand before crossing it to William Gallas who whacks it in, thus winning France the game and sending poor old Republic of Ireland out of the World Cup.

Cue rage in Ireland, where there were demands for a replay.

They also conveniently forgot they won one of their earlier games thanks to an extreme dodgy penalty, but there was outcry nonetheless.

This is one of those things where you wonder how no-one saw it as it is so obvious, and anyway, who wants to see a load of Championship cloggers playing in the World Cup at the expense of messrs Henry, Anelka and Ribery.

5. Spain’s Paralympic basketball team

The sheer brass and morally wrong-ness of this is brilliant.

In the Paralympics of 2000, the Spanish team was stripped of the gold medal it had won in the intellectual disability competition after it was revealed 10 of the 12 players had nothing wrong with them.

The rules stated that to be allowed to play, players had to have an IQ of less than 70 (they could’ve asked the majority of Premiership footballers).

Spain didn’t bother to do the tests and were rightly stripped of the medals.

4. F1 Crash

I hate Formula 1 with a passion, so when I read about this I smiled.

The second most interesting thing that’s ever happened in the sport, after the tragic death of Ayrton Senna, was when Flavio Briatore, the mega-rich owner of the Renault team, instructed their driver Nelson Piquet junior to deliberately crash to help their lead driver, Fernando Alonso, win the Grand Prix in Singapore last year.

I know what I’d say if someone told me to crash while driving at 200mph but here’s the clip

3.Ronald Koeman

This is still the single moment that has enraged me most in any sporting ocassion.

This is the famous incident from the must win World Cup Qualifier in 1994.

First, Koeman hauls down David Platt when clean through on goal inside the penalty area.

Red card and a penno you must think?

No no, Koeman then convinces the ref not only was the foul outside the box, it was a mere yellow card.

As the script then suggests, the blond-haired get went and scored at the other end, meaning England didn’t qualify.

Happily, it did lead to the sacking of Graham Taylor.

A few points to make, if you look, he grabs Platt’s shirt just outside the area, however, he’s still got hold of it when he goes down very much inside the area.

He is also clearly the last man who has prevented a clear goalscoring opportunity, therefore a red card.

But the good old ref sums up why everyone hates refs by getting two massive decisions completely wrong, allowing good old Ron to stay on and score admittedly a very good free kick.

That said, have a look at who’s playing for England,  Carlton Palmer, Tony Dorigo, no wonder we didn’t qualify.

Also check out the Dutch manager’s combover.

For some reason I can only find highlights in Dutch, which somehow makes it even more annoying.

And yes, David Seaman should’ve saved both, especially Bergkamp’s, which was rolling gently across the ground.

2. Ben Johnson

Somehow athletics officials failed to notice Ben Johnson’s yellow eyes and bodybuilder’s physique at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

His time of 9.79  seconds smashed the then world record and is only slightly slower than Usain Bolt’s 9.58 seconds record 21 years on.

Of course, he was found to have pumped himself full of steroids.

You’ll notice a young Linford Christie finishing in third, which was pushed to second when Johnson was found to have more drugs inside him than an NHS Foundation Trust.

1. Diego Maradonna

Yes, who else could it be? Another dirty cheating foreigner who cheated our heroic footballers out of  World Cup glory.

We all know about the “Hand of God”, but I have a few questions, why did no-one twig that it was very unlikely that Maradonna, about 5ft 3in, would be able to outjump a 6ft plus goalkeeper stretching as high as he could for the ball?

We also have to applaud the little twat for his first goal, probably the best ever, but why didn’t any of England’s lumbering midfield do what you or I would have done and booted him up in the air?

Mind you, they probably couldn’t even get close enough to do that.

As you marvel at the nimble feet of the Argentinian genius, take stock of how incredibly slow England midfielder Peter Reid is.

Here’s his amazing goal (with some really terrible commentary), which actually made it 2-0 after the handball debacle.

and here’s his ridiculous cheating.

Music videos should always be good, the technology and the cash was always there to create something special, and often to cover up terrible songs.
But yet, so many people fail on this front.

Westlife, for example, only make black and white videos of them standing signing together.

And a lot fall into the trap of trying to be too clever with videos, making them confusing and pointless.

I’ve conducted a thorough search, I’ve DEFINITELY watched every single music video ever made from start to finish to come up with the ultimate top ten.

There’s quite a range of music and video styles here, I’ve gone for sheer rubbish, stupid concepts and epic videos with very silly plots.

10.

Peter Andre

My old school chums will remember when Pete came to perform in the school hall, prompting a near riot by over-excited teenage girls.

With hair like worms, a massive schnoz and that famous six-pack, the super-greasy Aussie was pin up material back in the 1990s.

He also came up with rubbish like this, what a shocking haircut, strutting along the beach in the Caribbean blissfully unaware of how cheesy he looks.

Why’s he in the sea wearing jeans?

9.

The Bee Gees

Just for the hair, the clothes, the fact they seem to be wandering around in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and the fact they keep using the same shot of them popping out from behind the blown-out windows of a house.

Great song, not such a great vid.

8.

Lionel Ritchie

This is one of those “story” videos, but the concept is so ridiculous it had to feature.

Lionel is a lecturer at a college who falls in love with one of students (that’s him sacked).
It turns out she’s blind.

So the line “is it me you’re looking for?” takes a new meaning, clearly it’s not himshe’s looking for because because she’s blind.

The two highlights are him singing down the phone and the ridiculous bit at the end where she’s perfectly sculpted his mighty afro in clay, despite being blind and not knowing what he looks like.

Lionel is one of the most successful ever, I hope he looks back on this and feels just a tad embarrassed.

 　

7.

The Weather Girls

It’s a dance floor classic, but certainly not a video classic.

Done on a budget of about 37p, it shows men and women flying around with umbrellas.

It’s stupid and looks terrible.

The mighty Weather Girls didn’t make any other records.

6.

Guns N Roses

This is a classic epic rock video, nine minutes of self-indulgent nonsense.

It’s a shame because it’s a brilliant song, but it’s a hugely expensive, ultimately rubbish video.

So we’re at a concert, then we’re in a bar, then we’re at a wedding, then the wedding stops so the guitarist can go outside the church in a desert to do a solo (ignoring the fact there‘s nowhere to plug his guitar in), then we’re back at the concert, everyone’s changed their clothes, then we’re back at the wedding and everyone’s dancing, oh, we’re back at the concert, oh, no wait, we’re at the wedding, and now it’s raining and someone’s spilt a bottle of red wine, then we’re back at a funeral, who’s died? God only knows.

Then Axl wakes up and, lo and behold, it’s all a dream.

 　

5.

Michael Jackson and Sir Paul McCartney

Say Say Say

These two made a terrible record called “The Girl is Mine”, and while this is a better song, this barmy wild west video is very irritating.

Watch it and notice just how much more talented Jacko is in every way compared to the miserly scouser.

4.

Meatloaf

So, the contradictory title of the song clearly states you won’t do anything for love, will you loaf?

Meatloaf is notorious for writing ridiculous songs (Life is a Lemon and I want my money back, anyone?) but this near eight minute saga is ridiculous on a whole new level.

He plays the beast out of beauty and the beast, looking on as he lusts after a gorgeous girl, who of course lives in a castle in the middle of nowhere and has baths wearing clothes.

Then the cops turn up for no real reason, she sings a bit and he becomes a normal person and gets the girl. Hurrah.

3.

Backstreet Boys

I’ll Never Break Your Heart.

This is summed up simply by Christmas jumpers, ski-wear, curtains.

Why everyone laughs at boy bands.

They all look like school boys.

 　

2.

New Order

True Faith

There’s a prize for anyone who can explain to me what on earth is happening in this bizarre, nonsensical video by the same band who made the brilliant World in Motion 1990 World Cup song.

It was choreographed by Frenchman Philippe Decouflé, who convinced the band having people leaping backwards in ludicrous outfits was a good way to represent the song.

It wasn’t, it made everyone think “what the hell is this?”

Utterly pretentious, meaningless and downright stupid.

Of course, I could be being thick and missed the point of the greatest piece video-making in the history of music.

How people in weird puffy outfits represent a song which seems to be about a bloke who’s a bit down about his relationship ending is beyond me.

　

1.

David Hasslehoff

Hooked on a Feeling

Thanks to the internet, and the weird trend of people deciding things that were rubbish in their youth are suddenly now cool, The Hoff is has made a most unwelcome return to the public eye.

The former Knightrider and Baywatch star has sold stacks of records in Germany, which tells you all you need to know.

What I don’t understand is that The Hoff is clearly fabulously rich, so why does this terrible video for an even worse song look so terrible?

It’s just unbelievably awful. I can’t get to the end of it.

After asylum seekers, homosexuals, it being impossible not to get cancer and paedophiles hiding in bushes in every single street in the country just waiting to swipe your children our friends at the Daily Mail have taken a new and slightly bizarre line of attack.

That’s right, the new enemy is none other than the ginger-coloured beast of the woods – the fox.

A quick trip around The Mail’s irritatingly engrossing website reveals several stories on the subject that there are clearly giant, mutated man-eating foxes marauding around the woodlands with the sole intention of devouring your babies.

This girl was clearly eaten after this picture was taken.

The Mail’s agenda has always been to create fear and judging by the opinions of some of the people I speak to, it works.

But foxes, come on, in the unlikely event of a fox coming after you you’d kick it wouldn’t you? It’s not like it’s a salt water crocodile.

I wonder if some member of staff at The Mail is a bitter ex-fox hunter who misses racing around the woods on a horse and wants to show that Tony Blair is responsible for an unstoppable wave of lion-sized foxes who are sure to take over the world because he banned hunting.

We best hope no-one gets attacked by a badger, or a war between man and beast could erupt.

This fox was soon feasting on the dead bear after a short yet brutal confrontation.

At least for most people.

Not me though.

Due to twice collapsing and going to hospital the day after heavy nights, I reluctantly made the decision a few years ago to cut down boozing to an almost non-existant level.

The idea of having the charming medical procedure known as a lumbar puncture (an epilepsy test, think needles, spines and pain), again was not appealling to me so I reluctantly decided to cut down on booze to almost minimal levels.

As a forced tee-totaller I’m certainly not a self-righteous, sanctimonious, “I don’t need to drink to have fun” type ( although I like to pretend I am to annoy people, christening myself “straight edge”).

I also like to tell people I’m a recovering alcoholic, which also isn’t true, as telling people you gave up for medical reasons is a bit lame.

The rule was no more than three pints of beer, no shots (which I hated anyway, sambuca should be used as as torture method), and I’ve never got into wine so that was no big deal.

Anyway, I’ve since pretty much quit after discovering three pints has minimal impact on the way you feel apart from a headache in the morning.

This isn’t meant to be a self-pitying ramble, these things happen, I could be on super-strength epilepsy medication or taking my own blood samples, or have had my leg blown off by a roadside bomb.

In the great scheme of things it’s pretty minor, although it does sadden me sometimes.

But In my tee-total time I’ve indentified some interesting things about the way people behave when they’re drunk.

I don’t mean starting fights or uncontrollable bouts of the horn, but little things.

First, people repeat themselves LOADS when they are drunk and become unable to understand a word you say back.

Then if you look around you notice not many people can dance, but everyone thinks they can, it’s an undeniable fact girls dance better than me, or at least look better while dancing.

Then you realise people bump in to you the entire time.

You suddenly become the one who has to do everything, getting people out the bar, getting people into the taxi, persuading your mate not to tell the bouncer he’s a twat, persuading the bouncer not to strangle said mate, persuading the coppers you’re not drunk, you saw everything and it wasn’t your mate who belted someone for no reason, trying to stop your friends abusing the taxi driver, telling your friends where they live and usually paying because you’re the only one able to do the maths or who hasn’t run off.

I’ve decided the simple task of going to the loo is one of the worst things about not drinking.

A routine task suddenly becomes a dangerous running of the gauntlet, where you risk meaningless rambles, urine soaked toilet-floor brawls and piss-soaked shoes.

My advice is head for the nearest cubicle but of course, if people see you you’re the subject of hilarious ‘banter’ about penis size and going for a poo (people tend to lose their sense of humour when drunk, but think they gain one by going “waaaaaay”)

But it’s better than being sprayed with another man’s piss.

But the biggest battle you have is with yourself.

It’s to convince yourself you are indeed able to do things like dancing.

The crucial thing is to realise that everyone else is drunk, and concentrating on their own bad dancing/incoherant ramblings/chasing anything with a pulse/fighting/being sick.

Once you twig this you instantly relax and I’ve had some really good nights since giving up boozing.

But, I’ve also had some terrible ones and that will carry on.

If this had happened aged 18, I’d have been devastated, but I’ve been there done that on boozing, I’ve done boozing holidays, I’ve done big city nights out and while I miss it, I don’t miss feeling like shit for a whole day afterwards.

Giving up booze is more disappointing than devastating, but if you are a shy type who finds it difficult to relax I recommend going out on a night out stone cold sober.

Seriously, try it. Look around, see how out of it every other person is, then you’ll chill out and realise provided you remain fully clothed, no-one will take a blind bit of notice of your dancing or your conversation.

In fact, you can be safe in the knowledge both are better than anyone else’s in there – in your new, strong mind plus you’re not going to be sick and can move out of the way if someone decides you’re the one they want to fight with.